Matthew 17:20

This morning I woke up and I saw a mountain
The mountain was literally in front of me,
But I couldn’t see the beauty I was supposed to see
I saw a struggle, I saw a piece of me that needed to be given away in order to see
I saw 25, and most of my wasted time in that mountain
I saw everything I could be, but wasn’t, everything I wanted, but didn’t have
After so long I saw this mountain start to laugh! And I began to grow angry, but mostly sad
How dare this mountain know I failed!
What’s so funny! I yelled, but it only laughed in return
That stupid mountain didn’t understand that I was trying to learn!
I was begging to earn
A place here, or even a spot there, where I could fit,
Where I could sit
Where I could hear
The prayers of my mother for me once I left from under her roof
I craved the proof, of the prayers she’d say
Oh God please tell, what did she say?!
Whisper me the words so that I might make it to the next day
Brake off some of her power and give it to me!
It might help me to see
It would help me win this game that so many lose
Or at the very least give me the strength to make this mountain move!
And then suddenly, its laughing stopped
The heavens opened up, and everything was at a halt
Frozen in this moment, I thought judgment had finally come
I upset him with my ways, and he was finally done
But the skies stayed cleared, and then His voice appeared
“You, do not need your mother,” he said. And then I started to weep.
I was too ashamed to look up, I was weak, but I had to speak
“This mountain I cannot move on my own. And even with everything I feel alone”.
He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
At that I looked up, “certainly, Lord, you can’t mean me. I can’t even see the things I’m supposed to see”
He laughed, like a father laughing at his daughter taking her fist steps, then stumbling back into his hands
“I’m teaching you to observe and obey everything I have commanded you. And surely you know, I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
I took a few second before I looked at that mountain again, but when I did, I felt as if I could win.
“It’s already won,” He said, “Just trust the Father of the Sun”.
So I did, and anytime I come up against anything that says I’ll lose, I remember the mountain that God said I could move.

~AOMON

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Save Me

This hurts me too
not trusting you
it makes my bones ace and my heart cry
not coming to you
i think often, what am i to do! Give you the scraps of my wasted day?
Of laying in the sun daydreaming of dreams that i make no moves to actually play
Though I know deep down you dont care for my childish ways.
You just want me
But i cant talk to you, not like this
not with my back on sharp rocks and every move i make is reckless, stupid and hangs upon some ungranted wish
Oh but i want to… I want to tell you everything
Forgotten parts of me that whisper in my sleep
about the day i realized that your presence is the only place i feel like me
Or about how they make me feel…I know you’ll get it
But i don’t deserve it…
Your understanding…your compassion… your grace
How can i live with myself if i ask for it all again… for another chance
I’m at war!
With them!
With him
but mostly with me
I failed me, so I know I’ll fail you too
So stop wanting me… I’m not worth it…
I’m a soldier with no training, I’m on a battle field shedding blood, and my opponent is me! How am i losing a fight with myself, and you watch on still rooting for me!
Am i crazy or are you?
Lock me up, put me away!
My sanity is gone. I am not an asset to your kingdom, I’m an embarrassment, you’ll be ruined with me
because thats what I do, I ruin things.
………………………………………………… There, I said it, thats my ugly truth.
This hurts. Can you now take it away please? Because I promise if you do, I’ll reverse everything and give it all back to you. But this pain I feel, this hurt in my heart, I don’t want it anymore. So come to me Comforter, I’m ready to start. Because until today, i thought I knew who i was. But I don’t, My identity can only be found in your love…

Rumble

Solid ground felt good

I had just started to trust where I stood

When I suddenly I felt the familiar rumble in the earth beneath me

It all came rushing back so fast, I laughed

Silly me, silly girl, get out that fancy world

Remember who you are, or did you forget that too

Tell me something, naive, what happened to you

Standing with covered wounds from long ago

The blood stopped, the pain eased, I replaced the old me

With this new shiny one everyone sees

I was a dreamer, bound by visions, I put them away

Now I’m a thinker, strategy bound, unfazed by what people say

That is, until I felt the rumble

The shake that threatens to make all my hard work tumble

It says, silly girl, you can’t just become someone new

Not when I still miss the old you

Solid ground felt good

But it was stupid of me to trust where I stood

I’m uncomfortable again

On the edge of the cliff, with everything in front of me that I could lose

Remember whom you belong to… please don’t forget that too

 

Yours Sweetly, AOMON

I Pressed Pause…

Here’s what I got…

Its pointless to be afraid to live. Because unless you choose to end it all, you have to live anyways. It’s how you choose to live that matters most. You can take the backseat and see nothing and do nothing, and never make a difference. Even if it’s just a difference to your family and friends. Or you can take the front seat, see it all first hand,  experience the good, the bad, and the terribly scary, while you try your butt off to be the difference. But either way you have to live. You have to grow up. You have to find some way to be okay with all the cards in your hand. You have to be happy. I’m going to be honest, I’m really good at talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I’m a back seat rider who loves to peek out the front seat window, but that’s not good enough anymore. I want the full view, at all times. But I’ve been afraid to live, to really trust God, and to really grow up. Cowardly, I know, but I also know I haven’t been the only one playing it safe. Well… I don’t want to be one of thoes people that just talk, I want to be one of thoes people that do. I don’t want an ordinary life, where people know my carefully crafted moves, and I only ever let God take me so far, all because I was afraid to see beyond what I couldn’t.  I extraordinary. I want more faith then what is accepted. I want more for myself then I, alone, can actually think of…

Being afraid to get up, walk in your truth, take the punches from life, trust in His word, and live. Is like being afraid that your next breath won’t fully do the job, so you just hold it in. You’ll die. And I don’t want to die yet, I want to live first, so I am…

The Journey to Me

Getting sidetracked on the road of restoration and self-appreciation, will land you in the hands of misery.

Words to live by:

Focus, don’t lose sight in why you’re on this journey to yourself. Don’t let anyone cash into you in the name of love, friendship, accidental oops, and then place you on their path. Its time out to waking up not knowing why you are were you are. Its time to find you, know you, and be you!

Yours Sweetly, AOMON

 

Man with the Gun

Hey you! Man with the gun in his hand! Man with the anger! Man with the reason! Man with the permanent solution! Put that thing down! Wait! No! Just wait! Don’t do, what’s always been done. Don’t do what can’t be undone! Who are you to do the thing you’re about to do! Take a life that doesn’t belong to you! Pay the cost for a man’s life that’s too high for you! Put that thing down, please! I beg of you. Hear the cries of the hurt if you take this man away. Feel the pain of a future not lived, if you don’t hear the words I say. See the mother as she lowers yet another son. Carry the weight of his family, for his victory will never be won… Please, put that thing down!

POW…

Hey you. Man with the blood on his hands, what have you done to yet another guilty man? Who are you? Are you so innocent, are you so pure, and are you without sin? Are you?! Oh my God, look at what you did! Condemned the man who was just like you! You shared the same air, you both shed red blood! But you took something that wasn’t yours to take! Now here he lays…He just lays…You cast judgment on the man who was just like you. Let’s roll the dice, now should I kill you too? Man who is just like me, I have anger! Man who is just like me, I have a reason! Man who is just like me, I have a solution for what you have done! Come on man! We are all the same, but now I have the gun in my hand! You shot him dead, because you felt you had reason? That’s how you play the game? I understand the rules, and justice tells me to do the same! I should do the same because I am hurt. I should do the same, so that I can bare seeing him lowered into the dirt. I should do the same, so you don’t just walk away. I should do the same, honoring him, since he will never see another day.

But I won’t. Ending this vicious cycle has to be more important, so I don’t. Instead, I put the gun away, and grieve the one we lost. Taking a life is an evil power no one should ever taste. Every day they will struggle to forgive the man with no face, for all he left behind was another cold case. With his story in front of me, I pray every day that everyone understands that God has already paid the cost.  A man’s life, is none of ours to take. And Playing God only makes you open bait, for those who choose to keep their hate. Be careful about what you choose to do, you never know when that barrel could be turned on you. I know this because my family lost. The sorrow fell so deep, it was as if we were plagued with all the things we would never get to say, all because someone chose not to walk away.